


Seeing You in a New Light

by midoriverte



Series: A New Light [1]
Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Drunk Making Out, Human college au, M/M, alcohol/drinking CW
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-04
Updated: 2018-04-04
Packaged: 2019-04-18 05:30:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,396
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14206113
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/midoriverte/pseuds/midoriverte
Summary: Hide and Kaneki's plan to unwind after a brutal exam goes a little awry when Kaneki suddenly notices that Hide isverycute and kisses him. Now he has to deal with the fallout without breaking Hide's heart.And now that he knows what it's like to kiss Hide he can't get it out of his head.





	Seeing You in a New Light

**Author's Note:**

  * For [sinshine](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sinshine/gifts).



> Here's your birthday fic, Sinshine! Sorry it's like a month late. I hope you like original-flavour Hidekane being dumb, stupid dorks, because that's what you're getting. 
> 
> Happy belated birthday!

Hide and Kaneki had quickly come to the conclusion that beer sucked and anyone who said they liked it was lying. 

 

Needless to say, their first attempt at drinking after being of legal age went badly and they just drank pop instead. But  _ this _ time, they had learned. This time they were celebrating completing their awful Asian History midterm by drinking fruity alcoholic drinks which didn’t taste like alcoholic drinks. 

 

“We’re geniuses,” Hide said, smiling as he set up his gaming system on Kaneki’s TV, while Kaneki got out their drinks in bright pink cans.

 

“I think if we were geniuses we wouldn’t have both prayed for death after that exam,” Kaneki reminded him. 

 

“We don’t speak of that exam now. Tonight is a forgetting night.” Hide finished doing a bunch of stuff with cords that Kaneki didn’t understand. Hide dashed over to claim the right side of the couch (objectively the best part of Kaneki’s couch) and Kaneki settled in beside him. 

 

“Prepared to lose?” Hide asked, shoving a controller into Kaneki’s hand. 

 

“Yes,” Kaneki sighed. “I honestly don’t know why you play these games with me. It can’t be fun when it’s not a challenge.”

 

Hide just grinned, “You underestimate how much I love winning.” 

 

Kaneki rolled his eyes. 

 

“Usual rules,” Hide continued, pretending not to notice Kaneki’s lack of enthusiasm. “The loser picks a movie when we’re done.”

 

“Mmm,” Kaneki mumbled his assent. It was the only reason he agreed to this humiliation. 

 

“And,” Hide went on. “We’re going to spice it up a bit tonight!” 

 

“I don’t like the sound of that,” Kaneki said immediately. 

 

“I know you don’t. Let’s play a drinking game!” 

 

“Already sounds awful,” Kaneki said. 

 

“Just listen! I’m not making you take vodka shots or anything-”

 

“As if you could do vodka shots!” Kaneki said. 

 

“-How about, everytime we fall off a cliff, we take a mouthful out of our cans?”

 

“You only want to do that because you know I’m gonna lose,” Kaneki said. 

 

Hide looked at him with pleading eyes and Kaneki relented. 

 

“ _ Fine _ ,” Kaneki said. “But we’ll stop before we get...plastered.”

 

“ ‘Plastered’,” Hide snickered. “Hearing you say that sounds so wrong but so adorable.”

 

“Oh, shut up,” Kaneki said as he picked a character. 

 

The one flaw in their brilliant plan was that alcoholic drinks that didn’t taste like alcoholic drinks made it easy to drink a lot without realizing how much they were drinking. 

 

Hide was casually sipping his drink as he knocked Kaneki off the cliff for the fifth time. 

 

“I hate you,” Kaneki mumbled, taking another mouthful. “And I hate this game.”

 

“The drinking game or the video game?” 

 

“Yes.”

 

“Why are you drinking when you haven’t even gotten knocked off yet?” Kaneki demanded. 

 

“It tastes like candy!” Hide said happily as he put down his empty can. 

 

“You drank more than I did!” 

 

“But I’m not such a lightweight,” Hide winked. Though his face was a little pink. 

 

In another few rounds, Kaneki had been knocked off the cliff a few more times while Hide drank another half a can, just because he wanted to.

 

“You should slow down,” Kaneki said. “You’re gonna regret that.”

 

“Nah,” Hide said. 

 

Kaneki was going to retort by explaining how much you should drink divided over an hour but then a miracle happened.

 

He knocked Hide off a cliff. 

 

“What the-” Hide said. 

 

“How the tables have tabled,” Kaneki smirked. “Take a sip, Hide.”

 

Hide glared at him while he took a mouthful. 

 

“That was just luck because you distracted me.”

 

Kaneki was inclined to agree. But he wasn’t about to tell Hide that. 

 

“I’m going to pause the game and go to the bathroom,” Hide grumbled. 

 

Hide stood up and stumbled a bit on the carpet. He quickly righted himself but not in time for Kaneki to not notice. 

 

“What was that about me being a lightweight?” Kaneki asked. 

 

“Oh shut up,” Hide said. 

 

Kaneki took a sip of his own drink. It did taste like candy. It was supposed to be some sort of spiked lemonade, but it mostly just tasted like pure sugar. It was surprisingly good.

 

_ Well, I don’t have to wait until I get thrown off a cliff to enjoy a drink _ , he thought, taking another sip.

 

_ ’ _ When Hide got back, he grumpily grabbed the controller and started to play again. They ended up not playing for much longer. Kaneki always got bored easily of this game and only played for Hide’s sake. He was also getting worried about Hide, who had finished his second drink and should have theoretically moved onto his third drink if Kaneki hadn’t quietly moved it away from him. Kaneki had officially thrown him off the cliff four times. 

 

“Holy shit,” Hide groaned. “Why didn’t you tell me drinking gave you super video game powers?”

 

“I think your reaction time is just thrown off from drinking,” Kaneki said. 

 

His point was emphasized, when for the first time he beat Hide at the stupid game. 

 

“All right. I’m done.” Hide tossed his remote on the couch. 

 

“Bit of a sore loser there, aren’t we?” Kaneki teased. 

 

Hide crossed his arms and pouted. 

 

“Thought so.” Kaneki couldn’t help but feel mildly triumphant. He had never beaten Hide before. 

 

“Should we order food?” Kaneki suggested. “I’m starving, and it’ll give us time to sober up a bit before the movie.”

 

“I don’t need to sober up,” Hide grumbled petulantly. 

 

“You just lost to me at a video game.”

 

“Oh God, you’re right,” Hide groaned. “Okay, how about pizza?”

 

“Sounds good,” Kaneki got up to grab his phone from the kitchen table where he’d left it (it’s not like anyone texted him but Hide). When he stood up he had to take a second to find his balance. He had been fine sitting on the couch but standing up had made him suddenly aware that he was not sober. 

 

He turned to Hide who was grinning at him. 

 

“Who’s calling who a lightweight?” Hide said. 

 

“You started it.”

 

Kaneki got them some water while they waited impatiently for the pizza to arrive. When it did, Kaneki went to get the door and Hide laughed silently as he watched Kaneki try to pretend to be sober. 

 

“I’m sure the pizza delivery guy sees worse on a daily basis, Kaneki,” Hide laughed as Kaneki sat down beside him. 

 

“Forgive me for trying to have dignity,” Kaneki grumbled as he grabbed the first piece, smacking Hide’s hand away. 

 

“No,” Hide said, taking his own piece. “Seriously though, I don’t think any wild college parties are in our future, man, we’re pretty weak.”

 

“I don’t think wild parties are in our future, regardless. And I don’t think it helped that we aren’t used to this and didn’t have any food in our stomachs-”

 

“Yeah, yeah,” Hide said, barely listening as he ate his pizza. “Spare me the lecture.”

 

“I am not-” Kaneki realized arguing was pointless and resolutely worked his own way through his pizza before Hide took the pieces with the most toppings like he always did.

 

Kaneki’s third can was half-full still, and he decided it would be a waste to not finish it. And besides, he had food in his stomach now. So the alcohol would be absorbed.

 

Or something like that. 

 

Once the majority of pizza was gone, Hide rested his head on Kaneki’s shoulder. 

 

“Mmm, now I’m just all sleepy,” Hide mumbled. 

 

“Even I’m not as bad as you,” Kaneki normally didn’t let Hide get so cuddly but, well, it was kind of nice. “I even had more to drink.”

 

“Keep bragging, you’re just signing yourself up for a lifetime of carrying me back home from the bar.”

 

“God, you’re ridiculous,” Kaneki smiled fondly. He suddenly felt a rush of warmth at the thought that Hide was implying he wanted to be friends for a lifetime, but he quickly quashed it. He  _ knew _ that, of course, but it was nice to hear it sometimes. 

 

Suddenly feeling very warm, Kaneki said “You better not be this sleepy for my movie.”

 

Hide sat bolt upright so quickly that it was alarming. 

 

“I think you mean  _ my _ movie.”

 

“What?! I lost so many times!” The sudden loss of Hide’s weight on his shoulder threw him off balance. Maybe finishing off his drink wasn’t the best idea. 

 

“But I lost the last round!” Hide protested. 

 

“So? I lost nine times out of ten, I’m clearly the biggest loser here!” Kaneki said. 

 

“Excuse me, I may have only lost once but my defeat was crushing and devastating. Yours were just expected.”

 

“Hey-” Kaneki protested as Hide grabbed the remote and already started searching through movies. Kaneki was about to just let him get away with it, but Hide went immediately to a selection of horror movies where the monsters were people wearing suits with visible zippers. 

 

“No!” Kaneki said, lunging for the remote that Hide deftly held out of reach. 

 

“Come on!” Hide said. “These are perfect drunk movies!”

 

“We’re barely even drunk!” Kaneki said despite the pleasant buzzing in his head. 

 

“And what were you going to put on, something depressing and thought-provoking?” Hide said in derision. 

 

“Yes! Like it would kill you to be thoughtful once in a while!”

 

Hide ominously held his thumb over the enter button and Kaneki lunged forward to get the remote again. Hide tried to lean further away, but Kaneki was not to be deterred. He leapt forward until he was practically lying on Hide (who made an “oomph” noise of surprise) and tried to pin his arms on the arm of the couch while Hide desperately tried to wriggle free. 

 

“Kaneki?!” Hide had clearly not been expecting Kaneki to jump on him. Kaneki was a little surprised to find himself on top of Hide too. 

 

Suddenly getting an evil thought, Kaneki grabbed at Hide’s ribcage. Hide’s eyes widened in horror even as he started laughing. 

 

“N-no! This is cheating!” Hide gasped as his grip on the remote slackened. “How dare you use my weaknesses against me?”

 

“I’m a bad person,” Kaneki said, deadpan. Hide was finally weakened enough that Kaneki could grab the remote easily, but he wanted to drive his victory home. He pinned both of Hide’s wrists against the couch and said “Give up?”

 

“I give,” Hide mumbled. His face was flushed from struggling and his eyes were sparkling from laughing. Kaneki stared down at him. 

 

“You have a lot of tiny freckles,” he said suddenly. 

 

“Huh? Y-yeah,” Hide looked confused. 

 

“Why can’t I see them normally?” Kaneki demanded. 

 

“Well,” Hide blinked at him. “You’re, uh, not normally an inch from my face.”

 

“Oh,” Kaneki said, suddenly realizing that Hide was right and his face was hovering just an inch over Hide’s. “Yeah, I guess I’m not.”

 

He made no move to get off of Hide. 

 

“Uh-” Hide said. 

 

“Your lips look soft,” Kaneki said suddenly. 

 

“H-huh?” If Kaneki had been in a more focussed state of mind, he might have noticed that Hide’s face had gone incredibly red. 

 

“Are they?” Kaneki demanded. 

 

“What?”

 

“Soft!” Kaneki said impatiently. And, deciding that he wasn’t going to get a useful answer out of Hide at this rate, he put his lips on Hide’s to test out his theory. 

 

“Mmph!” Hide gasped in surprise. His lips were exactly as soft as they seemed. 

 

“K-Kaneki?” Hide squeaked as Kaneki pulled away for a moment. 

 

“They are soft, why didn’t you tell me that either?” Kaneki demanded. Without waiting for Hide’s excuses, Kaneki placed his lips on Hide’s again. He felt Hide relax under him and, to his surprise, Hide started kissing him back. 

 

Kaneki hummed in contentment and kissed Hide gently. Hide tentatively wrapped his arms around Kaneki’s back and pulled him in closer. 

 

Well, if Hide was being bold, Kaneki could be too. He flicked his tongue over Hide’s lips and Hide gasped against him. Kaneki smirked triumphantly as he did it again and Hide parted his lips for him and, Kaneki had never done this before, but how hard could it be? He slipped his tongue into Hide’s mouth and, judging by the way Hide moaned against him, he must be doing something right. 

 

Hide slipped his tongue into Kaneki’s mouth -which was definitely something  _ very _ right. And Kaneki wasn’t sure if it was the alcohol or the way Hide was kissing him with increased passion that was making him feel lightheaded. 

 

Hide lifted his hands from Kaneki’s back to tangle them in Kaneki’s hair and pull him closer and the slight tug against his hair felt  _ really _ good. 

 

Kaneki ran his hands up Hide’s sides and Hide had to break away laughing when Kaneki reached his ribcage. 

 

“D-don’t,” Hide gasped, turned his head to the side weakly as he laughed. “You know that’s my weak spot.”

 

Kaneki nuzzled against Hide’s exposed neck as he giggled. 

 

“Is that your only weak spot?” Kaneki asked in a low voice as he kissed Hide’s neck. 

 

“A-ah,” Hide stuttered. 

 

“Guess not,” Kaneki smiled mischievously against Hide’s neck and Hide subtly moved to give Kaneki even more access. Kaneki had never kissed someone like this before, so he gauged his success based on Hide’s sighs. 

 

_ How do you leave a mark? _ Kaneki thought to himself. He tried lightly sucking on Hide’s skin and Hide gasped. 

 

“Holy  _ shit _ , Kaneki!” Hide groaned. “What’s gotten into you?”

 

Kaneki didn’t answer and continued to kiss Hide’s neck. Hide wrapped his legs around Hide’s waist and pulled him in closer. In response, Kaneki shifted slightly against Hide, pleased at the further contact. 

 

He felt Hide’s hands in his hair again, pushing him closer, tugging on it ever so slightly. Kaneki rolled his hips against Hide without really meaning to and Hide’s grip on his hair tightened. He rolled his hips against Hide again and either he or Hide must have shifted slightly but they both groaned loudly as it became apparent to both of them-

 

“Y-you’re, um,” Kaneki stuttered, the bravado he felt just a second ago evaporating instantly as he pulled away from Hide and raised himself up slightly. 

 

“You are too!” Hide’s face was rapidly going beet red. 

 

“...hard,” Kaneki mumbled, unable to leave the sentence unfinished. 

 

“ _ You are too _ !” Hide repeated, quickly unwrapping his legs from around Kaneki’s waist and covering his face with his arm in embarrassment. “Did you have to say it out loud like that?”

 

Kaneki quickly scrambled away from Hide, any fuzzy feelings he’d had before gone. What the hell had he been thinking? He had…  _ accosted _ Hide for a remote and made out with him! There was no way, no way in hell that Hide wouldn’t hate him after this. 

 

“Um, I think I should go to bed, you should too!”

 

“Kaneki-” Hide sounded pained as he pushed himself upright on the couch, but Kaneki could barely bring himself to look at him. 

 

“We’re both, uh, really tired,” Kaneki said. “We’ll do the movie another night.”

 

“Listen, I-”

 

“Good night!” Kaneki called as he dashed from the living room to his bedroom. He stopped along the way to get a blanket out of the closet and doubled back towards Hide to hand it over to him, and  _ then _ dashed into his bedroom. He slammed the door shut behind him and sank to the floor, wrapping his arms around his knees. 

 

“Why would I  _ do _ that?” 

 

***

Kaneki wasn’t proud of how he acted the next day, but he was was more willing to deal with the shame than he was to face Hide again. 

 

He woke up before Hide, and tiptoed out of the room. Hide was still sleeping under his blanket on the couch. Even in sleep, he was frowning, and Kaneki was sure he was the one who made him look like that. 

 

Kaneki scribbled a note and left it on the kitchen table for Hide to find. 

 

_ Hi Hide,  _

 

_ I just remembered I have some errands to run. They’ll probably take a while so you might as well head home. I’ll see you at school Monday.  _

 

There, that was a way to avoid dealing with responsibilities for just a little while. Not that he had any idea he would do when he saw Hide on Monday either. Maybe he should have written a different note.  _ I’m moving to Spain. I won’t have internet so I guess this is goodbye forever. Also, there are no phones in Spain. _

 

He quietly closed the door beside him. He paused there for a moment so he could hear if Hide was stirring. When he couldn’t hear anything, he sighed in relief, and he dashed down the hallway. 

 

Of course, he didn’t have any errands to do. So he ended up wandering around until he walked into a bookstore and hid in the back where no one would be able to see him from the door. His phone buzzed in his back pocket and he jumped. There was only one person who would text him. 

 

He considered not answering, but he couldn’t stop himself from looking. 

 

_ see you monday _

 

Kaneki’s heart sank. He should have been glad that Hide wasn’t arguing with him, but instead all he felt was a white-hot sense of guilt. 

 

He tried to distract himself by looking for a book to read, but he couldn’t focus. All he could think about was the sad image his traitorous mind conjured for him. Hide waking up. Hide realizing Kaneki wasn’t there and finding the note on the table. 

 

He left the store without buying anything. 

 

***

Kaneki’s heart pounded all throughout his morning class on Monday. Hide shared a class with him in the afternoon and Kaneki spent most of his first class wondering if he should skip his class with Hide, but knowing that it would make him a terrible person. But also wondering if he actually minded being a terrible person if it meant he wouldn’t have to have a conversation about what had happened with Hide.

 

His phone had been on silent, so when he took it out after his class was done he found that Hide had sent him several messages. 

 

_ Hey  _

 

_ Wanna meet before class _

 

_ The usual place? _

 

_...by the vending machine outside by the big tree _

 

_ Lol _

 

Kaneki groaned. Hide only used “lol” when he was nervous. He hesitated before sending back “ _ sure _ ”. 

 

God, they had an hour before their class started. Plenty of time to have a horrifying and awkward conversation and ruin his friendship with Hide forever. 

 

Hide was waiting for him beside the vending machine, holding two cans of coffee in his hands. Unusually for Hide, he was wearing a black, long-sleeved shirt. Kaneki felt it was rather appropriate, as it did feel a bit like he was walking to his own funeral. 

 

Hide waved at him awkwardly when he saw Kaneki walking towards him. Kaneki waved back. He wondered if it was somehow possible to will yourself into death immediately. 

 

“I, uh, got you a coffee,” Hide said, passing the can of coffee to Kaneki with a nervous laugh. 

 

“Thanks,” Kaneki took it and opened it. He took a long drink to avoid talking to Hide or looking him in the eye. 

 

When he could no longer justify drinking his coffee in dead silence, he chanced a glance at Hide, who was nervously turning his can around in his hands. 

 

“Um, can we sit down? Somewhere quiet?” Hide asked. He was determinedly looking everywhere but at Kaneki. 

 

Kaneki nodded wordlessly, and the two of them found a bench nearby that was mostly hidden behind a bush. 

 

They sat down on the bench and they both jumped and moved further away from each other when their arms brushed together. 

 

“Sorry-” Kaneki said. 

 

“No, it’s my-” Hide started and sighed deeply, cutting himself off. “Look, should we just get on with it?”

 

“It?” Kaneki asked in a high-pitched voice. “ _ On _ ?”

 

“I, well, you know-” Hide seemed like he was going to pass out. “Should we talk about what happened on Friday?”

 

Kaneki groaned and put his coffee down on the bench so he could bury his face in his hands. 

 

“I’m so sorry, Hide.” His voice was muffled through his fingers. “I was all tipsy and I wasn’t really thinking and I’d normally never do something like that but I totally understand if you hate me and never want to see me again-”

 

“Woah,” Hide said with a bit of a laugh. “Let’s slow down there. I don’t hate you and obviously I want to see you again, I’m the one who asked you here.”

 

“To tell me you never want to see me again!”

 

“No!” Hide said, putting his own coffee down on the bench. Kaneki suddenly felt Hide’s hands on his as Hide gently prised them away from his face. Kaneki was annoyed and relieved to see that Hide looked like he was trying not to laugh. 

 

“You don’t hate me?” Kaneki asked. 

 

“Of course not!” Hide smiled. “I actually-” he stopped himself again, biting his lip and rubbing the back of his head in familiar gestures of nervousness. 

 

“Look,” Hide said finally. “I don’t know how else to put this. I liked it.”

 

“Liked...what?” Kaneki was at a loss. 

 

“I- Kaneki…” Hide looked pained. “I liked… the kissing? Kissing you. I liked it.” Hide was rapidly going redder with each word. 

 

“Oh,” Kaneki said. 

 

“Yeah,” Hide smiled weakly. “So, um, that’s out there now,” he laughed and looked away. 

 

Kaneki nodded. 

 

Hide blinked at him for a moment. His smile faded slightly when Kaneki remained silent. “Um, thoughts on that?”

 

“I-I’m glad you didn’t hate it,” Kaneki stuttered. 

 

“But...how did you feel about it?” Hide prompted. 

 

That was a good question. Kaneki realized he hadn’t really thought about how he felt about it at all. He was so worried about how Hide would hate him for kissing him that he hadn’t thought of how he felt about it himself. 

 

Hide’s shoulders slumped when Kaneki didn’t respond. 

 

“If...if it was just a drunken mistake, we can forget about it!” Hide said quickly. “I- I know I said I liked it but that doesn’t have to mean anything! I, um…” Hide was looking down at his feet, and to Kaneki’s horror he sounded like he was choking up a bit. He didn’t know why Hide would start to cry over this and he had no idea how to deal with it if he did. Hide almost never cried. 

 

An awkward silence descended on them again. Hide was still not looking at Kaneki, and was instead looking at his shoes. Kaneki stared at Hide in turn, trying to figure out why on earth Hide would be so emotional over this. 

 

“I don’t hate you either!” Kaneki said, belatedly. 

 

“Thanks,” Hide said, still sounding morose. 

 

Kaneki was at a loss. That hadn’t fixed it. He had been so sure that that was what Hide was worried about. 

 

The day was warm, but there was a sudden chilly breeze that caused Hide to rub his arms for warmth. The black shirt he was wearing was not warm enough without Hide’s usual jacket. 

 

Kaneki found himself wondering why Hide would wear that shirt. He had bought it once when he was out with Kaneki and had never worn it again. He had only ever bought it in the first place because Kaneki said it looked good on him. 

 

Suddenly, it clicked into place. Hide was wearing a shirt that Kaneki had said he liked. Hide was blushing and embarrassed. Hide had said he liked kissing him. 

 

“Hide..” Kaneki said slowly, terrified that if he was wrong Hide would be furious at him for even suggesting such a thing. “Do you… have feelings for me?”

 

Hide froze. Kaneki was sure for an instant that he had gotten the situation very wrong. But then Hide nodded slowly and said, so quietly that Kaneki had to strain to hear, “Yeah. I do.”

 

“Oh.” Kaneki had no idea what to say. 

 

“Sorry,” Hide mumbled.

 

“Why? Don’t say sorry!” Kaneki exclaimed. “What are you sorry for?”

 

“I don’t know,” Hide ran his hand through his hair. “For making things weird? Fucking up our friendship?”

 

“ _ I’m _ the one who made out with you!” Kaneki said, a little too loudly. He glanced around quickly to make sure no one had heard, but they were still alone. 

 

Hide smiled, but it was strained. “You were kinda drunk.”

 

“I wasn’t that drunk!” Kaneki argued. “And that’s not the point! Hide, how long have you felt that way?”

 

“I don’t know,” Hide shrugged. “Ages. It feels like forever. It probably has been, to be honest.”

 

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

 

“I…” Hide swallowed. “I couldn’t- I didn’t know how you would react. I didn’t want to lose you.”

 

“You wouldn’t have!” Kaneki said. “You- you won’t. How could you think you would lose me for...for having feelings for me?”

 

Hide shrugged half-heartedly. “You could be creeped out by your best friend having a crush on you? I didn’t know. I didn’t want to risk it.”

 

Kaneki felt his heart start to beat just a little faster at hearing Hide describe his feelings as a crush. At the same time, he felt an all-too-familiar nagging guilt and shame, wondering if he had ever said or done anything that would have made Hide think he might reject him, but he was too afraid to ask. 

 

“You wouldn’t lose me,” Kaneki said firmly. “Never.”

 

Hide sighed. “Thank you,” he said quietly. He ran his hand through his hair and shuffled awkwardly, still refusing to look Kaneki in the eye. “Um, you didn’t say how you...felt about it?” 

 

“I just...don’t know,” Kaneki said. 

 

“Yeah,” Hide said. “All right.”

 

“But!” Kaneki added hastily. “I do… think I liked it?” 

 

Hide finally whipped around to face Kaneki. 

 

“Y-yeah?” Hide asked. Kaneki felt a bit of panic at how hopeful Hide sounded at just that. He was suddenly, painfully aware that if he made one misstep he would break Hide’s heart. He couldn’t fuck this up. 

 

“I... want to talk about this more,” Kaneki said. 

 

“You?” Hide said, smiling for real again. “Want to talk about your feelings? What happened to you?”

 

Kaneki grimaced at him. “Oh very funny. But I do want to. I really do.”

 

Hide nodded. 

 

“ _ But _ ,” Kaneki said. “We have class in like ten minutes and it takes fifteen minutes to walk there so-”

 

“Yeah, class,” Hide said, sounding supremely unconcerned. “I guess we could go to that.”

 

“It’s the last class before the test so  _ yes _ , we have to go to that. Maybe you can come over tonight?”

 

Hide looked pained. “I have work tonight.” 

 

“Oh.” Kaneki was worried if he had to wait much longer he would run out of his sudden courage. 

 

“I don’t have to go though!” Hide said quickly. “I can quit, actually. I’m getting pretty good with magic tricks, so I could probably make a decent amount of change as a street magician-”

 

“Hide,” Kaneki said sternly. 

 

“Fine, you’re still going to watch my magic tricks though. You can’t run forever.”

 

“How about you come over tomorrow, once my last class is over? I can make dinner.”

 

Hide smiled a dazzling smile, and Kaneki felt his heart skip a beat.

 

“That sounds great,” Hide said. 

 

***

Kaneki’s attempt at a dinner for Hide was a recreation of his favourite Big Girl burger. It occured to Kaneki, while he looked up how to make burgers while trying to defrost ground beef, that it would have been much better to have just bought food from Big Girl, but he wanted to put in some effort. 

 

And he needed to work on something to keep his hands occupied while he nervously thought about what he would say to Hide. 

 

He was glad to have had the extra time to think about what he would say to Hide. he’d spent most of last night sorting through his feelings, a truly horrific task that he hoped he wouldn’t have to do again any time soon. 

 

He had laid out the facts to himself and may have even written them down in jot note form and promptly ripped the papers to pieces so Hide wouldn’t accidentally see them. The facts were as follows: 

 

  1. It had only taken a little push for him to kiss Hide, and he had clearly thought Hide was cute while he was drunk.
  2. This was still mortifying. 
  3. He had spent the whole weekend after remembering how it felt to kiss Hide. 
  4. When Hide had smiled at him it made his heart race. 
  5. Hide was the most important person in the world to him. He’d often thought that losing Hide would be like losing his own heart. He had been by his side forever. He could not imagine a future without Hide-



  
  


Kaneki started blushing, though he was alone with his thoughts in the kitchen. He most certainly had feelings for Hide, and he was a huge idiot for not realizing it until now. 

 

(He had also had a number of dreams involving Hide since making out with him that were too embarrassing to even write down as a point on his own list. God, he was a mess). 

 

In any case, the conclusion he came to was clear. He loved Hide. He had to tell him. 

 

When Hide knocked on the door an hour later (another way Kaneki could tell he was nervous, normally he just walked right in), Kaneki nearly dropped the plate he was just about to put on the table. He placed it down with utmost care before opening the door for Hide. 

 

“Hey,” Hide said. 

 

“Hey,” Kaneki replied. 

 

They stood there in silence for a moment before Hide said, “Dinner smells good.”

 

“Burgers,” Kaneki said unnecessarily. “Like the ones from Big Girl. Except not, because they’re from me.”

 

“Even better,” Hide smiled. 

 

Kaneki was going to combust. 

 

“Don’t get your hopes up too high,” he warned, and Hide laughed. 

 

At least some of the tension dissipated after making a joke at Kaneki’s expense. The conversation was much more natural as they sat down at Kaneki’s small kitchen table and began to complain endlessly about the remaining midterms they had. 

 

“My prof was all like, ‘this is probably not going on the exam’ and then it was like, the third question. He knew exactly what he did, too. He was smirking. The joke’s on him though, I already knew it. When I pass this class with flying colours I’m going to look him dead in the eye and say ‘I win’ and just walk out.”

 

“What happens if you get him as a professor again?” Kaneki said, laughing. 

 

“I have my ways of ensuring that won’t happen,” Hide said mysteriously. 

 

“I’m going to pretend that doesn’t sound like you’re planning on murdering him,” Kaneki said. “Change of subject, how are the burgers?”

 

“They’re great!” Hide said. “I’m going to save a ton of money by just having you make me food and not going to Big Girl from now on.”

 

“I do not have the patience to do this every week, so keep dreaming,” Kaneki said even as his face flushed from the compliment. 

 

Hide helped Kaneki clean up after dinner, and, though they had done this countless times before, Kaneki was suddenly hyper-aware of how often their arms brushed together as he washed dishes and Hide took them to dry them. 

 

“So, uh, what did you want to do after this?” Hide asked as he put the last dish away in the cupboard. 

 

“Wh-what did you want to do?” Kaneki asked. 

 

“Well, I was thinking maybe we could watch a movie? Since we didn’t get to on the weekend-” Hide suddenly started blushing at the memory of why they hadn’t been able to watch it. 

 

“R-right,” Kaneki said. “Should we go...sit down then?”

 

They awkwardly settled themselves on Kaneki’s couch (there was some shuffling as they both tried to offer the other the right side of the couch, before both kind of squishing together in the middle). 

 

“I was thinking we could watch that depressing, thoughtful movie you wanted to show me before?” Hide suggested. 

 

“I was… I was actually thinking we could watch that weird, awful horror movie you want to show me,” Kaneki said. “Since it was kind of my fault that we couldn’t watch a movie last time.” He tried to laugh to play this comment off as a joke but it came out as a weird high-pitched squeak. 

 

“Maybe,” Hide said in a soft, shy voice as he smiled gently at Kaneki. “We should talk about, uh, everything, because we’re clearly both feeling very awkward about it still.” He did a much better job of laughing to play it off as a joke, if Kaneki didn’t know him so well he would have thought the laugh was genuine. 

 

Kaneki sighed. “Yeah, yeah we should.” 

 

They sat there silently. Before they both said, “Do you want to go first?” at the same time. 

 

Hide smiled. “Okay, I will. I just wanted to say that I’m still a little sorry-” he held his hand up when Kaneki looked like he was going to argue. “-I know you’re going to tell me I don’t have anything to apologize for. But I… I don’t know. I still feel like I should have told you sooner, or something. And I hope that it doesn’t make you feel weird about me. And...and I just don’t want this to wreck our friendship.”

 

Hide said this all very quickly. He tapped his hands nervously on his knees as he waited for Kaneki’s reply. 

 

And it occurred to Kaneki, that everything about Hide’s speech made it clear that he had not once considered that maybe Kaneki returned his feelings.

 

“First off,” Kaneki said sternly. “I don’t want to hear you apologize for this anymore.”

 

“But-”

 

“ _ Hide _ .”

 

Hide nodded meekly. 

 

“Second, I know you don’t want this to change our friendship, but I think it might have to,” Kaneki continued. 

 

Hide blinked. “O-oh. Right. I definitely get it, man!” He said quickly, rubbing the back of his head. “I get it! It is a bit weird-”

 

“Hide, please let me finish talking,” Kaneki said. 

 

Hide nodded, though he looked like he was going to either cry or run from the room at any second. 

 

“It might have to change our friendship because I...have feelings for you too.”

 

Hide nodded again, but then froze. “ _ Huh _ ?” 

 

Now Kaneki was the one who felt like he was either going to cry or run away. He’d spent all day thinking about how he was going to say that, but now that he had and it was out there, he didn’t know what to do. 

 

“Are you serious?” Hide said in a weak voice. 

 

“Y-yeah,” Kaneki said. 

 

“You’re...you’re sure?” Hide said, sounded suddenly aggressive. “You’re not just saying this because you feel sorry for me?”

 

“What? Hide, no!” 

 

“I...just,” Hide swallowed. “You have to be sure. If this is just… you wanting to give this a try because you thought kissing me was all right. I can’t-”

 

Hide choked up, and could not keep talking. 

 

Kaneki felt tears well up in his own eyes. He furiously blinked them away and took a deep breath to collect himself enough to speak. 

 

“Hide…” he said. “I know it’s hard to believe me. But I’m sure.”

 

Kaneki hesitantly reached a hand out, and put it over Hide’s own. Hide stiffened a bit, but didn’t push Kaneki away. 

 

“I...I know this all seems really sudden. To be honest, it kind of is. It took me kissing you for me to realize how I felt about you, but now that I have, I can’t believe that I didn’t realize it sooner. Can you forgive me for being such an idiot?”

 

This finally got a laugh out of Hide. “I guess,” he mumbled. 

 

“Thanks,” Kaneki smiled, and Hide finally looked at him again. 

 

“You really mean all this?” Hide asked. 

 

“I really do,” Kaneki said, and with a boldness that shocked even him, said, “I want us to be more than friends.”

 

Hide’s mouth dropped open. 

 

“And I really mean that,” Kaneki smiled. 

 

Hide said nothing, and for a moment Kaneki was worried. But Hide instead raised his arm to his eyes and started wiping them furiously on his sleeve. 

 

“H-Hide!” Kaneki said in alarm. “I didn’t mean to make you cry!” 

 

“It’s a good cry,” he mumbled. “Holy  _ shit _ , do you have any idea how long I’ve been waiting to hear you say-” he was too overcome with emotion to continue. He was still covering his eyes with his arm. 

 

“Can I...kiss you?” Kaneki asked. “Sober this time?”

 

Hide nodded. He wiped his eyes one last time and turned to Kaneki, looking nervous but hopeful. 

 

Kaneki cupped his cheeks in his hands pulled him closer gently. 

 

He hesitated, for a moment, his face suddenly flushing with the thought of what he was about to do. 

 

“What happened to the Kaneki that was so bold just a few seconds ago?” Hide teased, grinning despite the fact that his face was still blotchy with tears. 

 

“He’s dead now,” Kaneki said weakly. “This is the Kaneki you get.”

 

With that, he closed the gap between him and Hide, and kissed him. The kiss was slow and hesitant at first, but slowly Hide started kissing him back. It was sweet, and gentle, and Kaneki would chastise himself later for the fact that he could have had this years ago, if only he had noticed how Hide felt. 

 

But for now he just let himself enjoy it. And when they pulled apart they were both blushing and smiling. 

 

Hide’s eyes were sparkling with tears and affection. And Kaneki wondered how many times Hide must have looked at him like that before now. 

 

“I’m sorry,” Kaneki said. 

 

“What for?” Hide demanded. 

 

“For...for not noticing how you felt,” Kaneki mumbled. “I want to make it up to you.”

 

Kaneki was shocked when Hide leaned forward and kissed him gently on the lips, before pulling back. 

 

“I might just hold you to that,” Hide smirked. 

 

Kaneki smiled back. He wasn’t sure how he could ever make it up to Hide, but he was looking forward to finding out. 

 


End file.
